THE TEN RULES TO GROWING A PLAYOFF BEARD
1. You don’t have to commit to the beard, just do something else that is a ritual. Maybe you set your alarm clock to 8:19 (Pavelski:Thornton) everyday. I don’t care what, just do something.
2. Once you commit, you commit. No shaving because it gets hot in June or your parents want you to for graduation or work or anything like that. Once you’re in, you’re in. Don’t mess things up for San Jose now. I am sure that some asshole shaved his beard allowing Robert Lang to score with 33.1 seconds left in the 3rd to tie it and set up an overtime goal because he had a job interview or something much less important than a Stanley cup the next day. Don’t do that to the Sharks. DON’T BE THAT GUY.
3. If you can’t grow a beard and still try, or can only grow something that makes you resemble a Russian porn star, be aware that you may only be bringing the beard karma down. We're striving for quality over quantity here.
4. If you can’t grow a beard, but one of your good friends can, you are required to try and get him to do it. He must be tough enough to put up with a beard even when it gets hot and also a Sharks fan. Jean Sebastian Giguere of the Mighty Ducks hated his beard, but because teammates told him he could grow a “nasty one”, he “did it for the team.” It is your job to relay this spirit to your friends.
5. If you do grow a beard, you have to let your hair grow too. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. That’s the rule.
6. After a loss, and only after a loss, you are allowed to trim the beard. TRIM DOES NOT MEAN SHAVE! If you are confused about this concept, ask your girlfriend. If you are single, you can also ask the girlfriend of a Red Wings fan after you get done slamming her behind his back.
7. After a win, you do nothing to the beard. Nothing. Even if the next playoff series is a week away. DON’T TOUCH IT.
8. The last one was a lie. You should thank it and ask it to continue giving you luck and wisdom through a playoff run. (If you grow a playoff beard, you will become smarter. Or you will appear smarter, one of the two.)
9. If you know someone who grows a beard for another team and that team is eliminated, you must make sure that he A.) shaves the beard and does not just try to hop on another team’s bandwagon and B.) hears comments like “babyface” or “hairless rat” for the remainder of the playoffs. I suggest the latter, because according to a New York paper “hairless rat” was the words a prostitute used to describe a certain part of Sean Avery.
10. No circumventing the progression of the beard. No shaving means no shaving, no plucking, no tweezing, no waxing, no hair-removal products, no laser hair removal, no electrolysis, no sugaring, and no setting your hair on fire.